Pregnant with Amrah

Assalaamualaikum.

One month into marriage, I realised my period was late. And I knew. I just knew. I had mixed feelings about it because on my wedding day (okay fine, the period before and after the wedding day actually), young and old people were feeding me with so many marriage advice and two of them were, don't get pregnant too quickly AND just get pregnant what's there to lose (ermm.. my freedom?).

So I felt... happy? And scared? And nervous too I think haha but excited mostly!

I told Syahmi (my husband) about it after getting a positive from a mid-range priced pregnancy test kit. I have to emphasize on the price because the former two I bought, which were remotely cheap, gave me a negative. Anyways, told Syahmi and he was... surprised I think although I hinted it here and there about how late my period was that time and I don't know... Maybe he was genuinely surprised and concerned about us having a baby too soon.

By the time I got myself checked at a clinic, I was already at week 4. The thing is, Syahmi's working hours were a bit odd and he didn't get to have too many holidays, and during that time, he could only get a day off out of a week so it was really difficult to schedule a visit cos I also wanted him to get enough rest as his job was quite demanding, physically. In the end, he didn't get to bring me and I was already missing out on folic acid for the first few important weeks so Syahmi's mum took me to the nearest clinic instead. Actually if you ask me now, I could have gone alone, I really don't mind but I don't know why I didn't think of that haha.

The doctor confirmed that I was 4 weeks pregnant and proceeded to ask me if I were experiencing morning sickness. Alhamdulillah, I wasn't. There were actually no indication at all about my pregnancy that if I weren't paying attention to my period cycle, I wouldn't have known till.... I don't know, my tummy shows? So since I wasn't puking and didn't develop super inhumane sensitive nose towards any smell, the doctor decided to prescribed me with some Obimin (multivitamin packed specially for pre and post natal women).

I was well into my second month of pregnancy when one day I woke up with this queasy feeling in my tummy. It felt really weird and I got to the bathroom, ready to take my wudhu' and there came the bile and water I drank upon waking up, threatening to exit my tummy and throat and mouth as quickly as they could. And that easily became the routine for the rest of my pregnancy which didn't only happen in the morning. Any time, any day. I remember vomiting near the temple (sorry worshipers), the toilet at several masajid and shopping malls, on the lawn somewhere at some parking lots and countless times at home. Puking is such a disgusting thing. I mean, I couldn't even control myself. It kept on pushing and pushing, my body bent forward accompanied with heaving sounds so loud and demonic I never knew I had it in me, as if it wanted to get rid of everything inside me and it hurt so bad! I don't know how the girls on TV could vomit so elegantly; such lies. 

But somehow, when I entered my third trimester, I realised that I would only vomit after taking any pills. As I hated the smell and would usually throw up after consuming the supplements, I have stopped taking them since.... my 4th month of pregnancy, I think. I took them a few times, very rarely, just whenever I felt guilty not giving the best to the baby in my tummy. True enough, the vomiting episode ended BUT I didn't link it to the fact that I wasn't taking those pills. I just thought that yeaaaa second trimester and all, it's usually the honeymoon phase before third trimester difficulties kick in. I only realised it when I was 6++ months pregnant, and after abandoning the supplements for a few months, feeling like a horrible mother already, I decided to take them that night after my dinner. I took them, drank water and felt really full... and almost immediately, quite sick. It was towards the end of the first week of Eid that time, Syahmi and his parents wanted to visit some friends of theirs, and the sisters and I, decided to stay at home, them being tired of socializing, and me suddenly feeling horrible.

I lay down on my bed, distracting myself cos all I could think that time was something's at my throat something's at my throat something's at my throat. Five minutes later, it won the battle and I ran to the bathroom, apparently not quick enough, as I performed a spectacular bout of projectile vomiting that unfortunately hit the bathroom door, some on the floor and the rest, safe and sound in the toilet. That was definitely the lightbulb moment for me. My pregnant body hates pills and therefore, I must hate them too. So hated them I did.

And that's when the vomiting episode ended for me, alhamdulillah. 

So what did I take for a substitute for calcium? I drank Anmum milk. Which deliberately (or was it not?) added to my already-piling-up-like-there's-no-tomorrow weight. 26kg weight gain throughout my whole pregnancy, just thought I should remind you that.

Aaaaannnnddddd, that's it! That's my pregnancy story (more like vomit story, sorry folks) and next post shall be my birth story, insha Allah.

Alrighty then, salaam and take care!

Motherhood

Assalaamualaikum.

So my husband left for Madinah in February, he's currently studying in the International Islamic University of Madinah. Which leaves..... Me and Amrah. Here, in Miri. I really couldn't fathom how life would be without my husband, especially alone with a baby, but alhamdulillah, all is well (probably because I'm staying with my parents haha).

Tomorrow Amrah is turning 6 months old, insha Allah, and I'm suddenly feeling a bit emotional, just like all parents do hehe. I remember the first few weeks being the hardest days of my life, I felt this love and hate relationship towards my own daughter. I got a bit depressed everytime night came because I knew I was not going to get any sleep and Amrah was going to cry again and again and I just didn't know what else to do to comfort her.

My mum kept on telling me that it's normal and please don't expect that you are able to sleep like those single carefree days. It really helped and after a while, Amrah found her sleeping pattern and I got used to having 3-4 hours of sleep, alhamdulillah, I'm able to cope better now.

Motherhood is something I always envisioned for myself and now that I'm here, I dare say that it is such an amazing journey and experience. I love how it increases my love and appreciation towards my parents because indeed, it wasn't and isn't easy, at all. Alhamdulillah. 

I find myself strongly advocating for a better treatment to parents by their children, all because of my near 6 month experiencing parenting. That's just a few months! Imagine our parents doing all that for many many years, and we still got the cheek to be unkind to them. It's a reminder for me every time. I hope I'm able to make my parents happy, thus, making God happy with me. That's all I ask.

Husband is coming back at the end of May, insha Allah, and I'm excited!

Pray for us, please?

:)

What 2015?

Assalaammualaikum!

So.... a lot has been happening, I don't exactly know where to start. This will be my first post for this year which is ending in about two weeks haha. So err... here goes.

I've been going through two major changes in my life this year. In February, I become a wife to an amazing man, and for a month plus now, I am also a mother to a beautiful baby girl. Alhamdulillah. Does that justify my absence in the blogging world? Hehe

One thing I'd like to talk about my pregnancy; if you know me very well, you'd know how long I've prayed to gain a bit of fat to my underweight body. Well............. just... be careful what you wish for okay? Throughout my pregnancy, I gained a whopping 25 kg. 25. 25! Just let that sink in for a minute (or second because the heavier it is, the quicker it sinks sobs). After giving birth, I lost 10 kg so..... it really put things into perspective. The remaining 15 kg is just...*uncomfortable silence*

Anyway, one of my bestfriends got married last weekend, alhamdulillah! I met an old friend from high school there (apparently they're cousins) whom excitedly asked me if I were pregnant (grrr). But all in all, it was a beautiful union of two amazing people, and a wonderful reunion of childhood friends. I shed a bit of tears cos come on, that's what wedding does to you (or because of the are you pregnant question. Could be both actually hahaha)

Okay gotta go! Will update more insha Allah. Or maybe I'll just wait for next year mihmihmih.

That comfort zone

Salaam.

So school has started, it's been two weeks already. But it feels longer than that. SO many things happened with me renting a new room, turned out I got lied to, moved out, stayed with my awesome friends while I looked for a new place, registering my courses and having a bit of a problem there, found a new place, checked it out, liked it, bought a mattress and a coffee table at IKEA, moved in, plane went missing, haze showed up and yeah, that's about it.

I love my classes this semester (except for computer programming that is), I don't know, maybe the fact that they aren't science subjects that makes them so appealing haha. I still question myself sometimes if science is the right thing for me since my results aren't that great to begin with. But then again, I've been studying science since... forever (why am I still bad at it?!) that I can't see myself doing anything else. And given that this is going to be my last semester (insha Allah please please pray for me), I guess I shouldn't really doubt that decision anymore.

Anyways, I wonder what's new with everyone? I'm still me, or perhaps I don't notice the changes myself but I've been trying to change or discard of some bad habits that I know of. It takes a lot of effort aahh but insha Allah it's worth it. I mean, I like this place called comfort zone and it's called comfort zone for a very good reason, that sometimes, we don't get out of it in fear that we won't find something better. We'll never find out now huh if we keep holding ourselves back.

Before school started I had quite a depressing week, I was thinking too much and not doing anything to change that. I confided in a friend about what I'm feeling. Most of it was just me feeling like a failure. Like I'm a student but I'm not a brilliant one. I'm a daughter but I'm not doing a very good job at it. And ultimately, I'm a Muslim but I can't be a good one. Lol I know, what a wreck. Alhamdulillah, that was a few weeks ago and I'm feeling better already, it's just one of those feelings that occasionally distract me and leaving me with despair (come on now shaitaan, this isn't funny anymore). Alhamdulillah for good friends, always reminding me of a bigger purpose, of this challenging journey, and of Eternal Home. Alhamdulillah. 

Okay gonna order pizza now, insha Allah. Take care!

Delusional, who?

Salaam.

So starting Monday next week, I'm gonna go back to being a student again insha Allah. My semester break was spent well I think, alhamdulillah. I mostly baked, cooked and looked after my nephew, Nuh (he's gonna be 2 months old in 2 days time insha Allah!). 

So I found this amazing recipe for chocolate cupcakes with cream cheese frosting which is such a win win situation for me because one, it is delicious beyond words, so moist and so chocolatey and two, it doesn't require hard work. It's easy peasy. Trust me. You can whip this up in less than 20 minutes, excluding the baking in the oven process. I made loads of these, everyone seemed to love it and although I'm not a fan of anything cheese, but this cupcake is just subhanAllah, out of this world (the chocolate taste trumps the saltiness and sourness of the cream cheese! yay!).

I made chocolate brownies. Which seemed to be mediocre now after I've tasted the wonderful cupcakes lol.

Also, I found out that I've been interchangeably using icing sugar and caster sugar. I know it's hard to believe that I didn't know the difference between the two but yea, I really didn't. It was such a funny process because I didn't know what went wrong and I started doubting my baking abilities (the only thing I can get right in my life sometimes Allahu akbar) and got a bit depressed, until one day, Faruq did a bit of research and found the truth which after that, led us to many more baking activities haha.

I'm still quite bad at piping but hey look! It does look like those frostings you see in cupcake shops! *sheds tears*

I also made a birthday cake. My cousin's son turned 2 on the 3rd February alhamdulillah and for the birthday party, they requested a cake for me to make. It was the week of Chinese New Year so a lot of shops were still closed or they weren't ready to accept cake orders so my cousin (bless her soul) asked me if I would do the honour. She showed me this picture

and I thought, "Well okay, I think I can manage this." 

Bahahahahaha I'm so funny sometimes. And delusional.

Okay I got the stories in a mixed up order but this was actually how I found the recipe of those cupcakes, I wanted to make that yellow icing and they wanted chocolate cake so I googled exactly that. Okay now let's move on to the depressing part.

Because this was a relatively new recipe and all that, I didn't know how much to make to achieve the correct height of the cake. The baking process took longer than I anticipated and the worst thing is, I had to bake three of the normal sized ones and stack them up, and because it was getting late, I combined 2 cakes in one pan and I thought I could just half the cake later on so it would still look like a three layered cake. 

That's where I went wrong. Although I checked the cake by inserting a stick in the middle of the cake and I saw I could pull it out clean, it turned out that it wasn't thoroughly cooked. I didn't do the 'finger test' and I think that's the important step I skipped. 

So okay, we have this undercooked cake and remember how I didn't know the difference between caster sugar and icing sugar? Yeap, how could anyone forget. So my cream cheese frosting turned out to be too runny. And I didn't know why! I went to bed that night hoping that somehow my cousin would tell me, "Oh someone donated a cake for the party, you can keep your cake okay?" 

But that didn't happen. I got up very early in the morning, dreaded the party the whole morning and hoping no one would kill me at the party, and I continued to ice the cake. So the height turned out okay. Now it's just the icing and the newfound information that morning (while I was layering the cake), that MAYBE the cake was undercooked. All that work and worry, came down to this.

Yeap, I was right. The cake on the bottom was undercooked, the frosting was a bit runny but above all that, the cake was still edible. Alhamdulillah, no one died and no one gave me the evil eye. In fact, everyone was so nice about it, saying only good things about the cake *sobs*. Oh and my cousin (bless her soul) paid me more than the price we both agreed on *sheds more tears*. May Allah increase her rizq, ameen.

And because there wasn't enough excitement, I also accepted my uncle's order of a German chocolate cake. Which he wanted it ready on the same day my cousin needed the big yellow birthday cake. Have I told you that part of me being a bit delusional? Yeah we're all nodding our heads now aren't we, it's a unanimous thing don't you worry.

After all that, Faruq and I with our newfound confidence (after knowing the about the sugar thing) decided to give macarons another try. We failed 3-4 times and I'm not lying when I say that they looked like amoebas. And praise the Lord, we did it! That choice of colour because Faruq was channeling hulk's spirit into the macarons. 

 Tadaaaah! And before everyone starts thinking this is such a happy ever after story, let me be one of those authors who destroy it for you. 

We made another batch of macarons, went a bit ambitious with two colours and doubling the recipe and all that (lol losers) and we failed. Yet again. 

Although amoebas weren't produced this time, our macarons turned out to look like whoopie pies haha what laaaa.

Wanted to post a photo and tell a lie about how we wanted to make whoopie pies and woo hoo we succeeded but that would cause a certain someone on my left shoulder to be busy writing so I decided against it. Alhamdulillah for conscience.

So that's my baking journey and here's hoping to more delicious, joyful and successful (please oh please) bakings, insha Allah!

10 things

Ten things I know and am certain about myself now, alhamdulillah.

1. I'm that girl who cries at weddings and funerals, despite not knowing that person.

2. I love baking, and I love the challenges of making delicious and beautiful desserts. 

3. Writing has always been my passion. I stopped writing many times because I'm embarrassed that I don't write as well as many others but I have to learn not to think that way anymore.

4. I feel inferior almost all the time. I assume everyone's better than me in different ways and I try to disappear before anyone notices.

5. I am trying to change that.

6. I express myself better when I write, compared to when I talk. That's why, I used to love giving cards and writing love letters.

7. My height is and will always be 150 cm. I will start embracing this amazing 3 digits and by that, I hope I aspire you to great heights.

8. Which means being a runway model will never happen.

9. Also, it doesn't really help that 3 of my bestfriends are beautiful tall girls which makes me look like Dobby next to three Hermiones (4th book and above).

10. But it also means that I never have to worry about wearing heels and making sure beforehand that other girls are wearing them as well, in fear that I'd be the Burj Khalifa at the event.

Alhamdulillah.

Journey of learning to love myself, going pretty well insha Allah. 

Being a judge, and my struggle to quit

Salaam.

I don't know about you, but I have this biggest struggle (okay probably one out of many) that many people and I, myself, dislike. I don't like doing it, I don't like getting the same treatment, and I dislike the fact that I sometimes, unintentionally, do it too.

 I'm talking about, being judgemental.

I commend my mind's creativity in making up stories and thinking miles ahead but really, it gets so frustrating to have all these bad thoughts concocting in your brain about other people without having to put any effort, which usually aren't real at all and were only made based on appearance. Only after reaching a conclusion, would I pat myself on the back for that genius assumption, and suddenly it would dawn on me, ya Allah what have I done?

I honestly hate myself for doing it. And the worst thing is, it is usually beyond my control, and I'd only remember to stop myself a few minutes or seconds after I've started on judging that person, which means it has become a habit of mine which really is so horrible. Not to mention, due to this problem I have, I committed a grave mistake just last week, involving my family members and I still feel so bad (probably till forever) no matter how much I apologised. 

Being judgemental isn't awesome at all! And it sure won't impress Allah, definitely :(

So I devised a plan to help with this awful habit of mine and I've applied this method a handful of times, and alhamdulillah, it works quite well. This is how it goes. Let me create a fictional situation to help me explain better.

So I walk into Kinokuniya, I go straight ahead to my favourite section. I pick up a book, analyse the summary and as I am reading, I hear a girl complaining to her boyfriend *ONE : It might be her husband*. I turn to catch a glimpse and I see him frowning, groaning from all the heavy load of shopping bags and her huge handbag in his arms. I think to myself, why can't she at least carry her own handbag? *TWO : He might have insisted, despite her refusals*. She turns around and I can see what she's wearing, she wears the hijab but I can see every single curve on her body *THREE : She maybe has just started learning about hijab, and doesn't know that we're not supposed to show our curves too*. And as I am coming to the fourth judgement, suddenly my conscience steps in. 

"Besides all those things you thought about her, which probably are all lies, she might have succeeded in performing tahajjud prayer every single night while you're asleep. Without fail. Unlike someone I know."

*SLAP SLAP*

The super brilliant chirpy mind seconds ago, suddenly goes silent, humiliated.

K.

As much as I hope it is, this isn't magic so it comes with a lot of practice. Sometimes my conscience goes on a little vacation without telling me and I'll go on and on judging others, making up stories as far as their non-existent grandchildren and only before I sleep, would I remember OMG I just did it again *cries silently* but alhamdulillah, it comes easier. As long as I stop immediately as soon as my conscience reminds me to, it should come to my rescue quicker than before insha Allah. 

If you have other ways to overcome this problem, please do share :)

Okay gotta go study for my test tomorrow. Take care!