What 2015?

Assalaammualaikum!

So.... a lot has been happening, I don't exactly know where to start. This will be my first post for this year which is ending in about two weeks haha. So err... here goes.

I've been going through two major changes in my life this year. In February, I become a wife to an amazing man, and for a month plus now, I am also a mother to a beautiful baby girl. Alhamdulillah. Does that justify my absence in the blogging world? Hehe

One thing I'd like to talk about my pregnancy; if you know me very well, you'd know how long I've prayed to gain a bit of fat to my underweight body. Well............. just... be careful what you wish for okay? Throughout my pregnancy, I gained a whopping 25 kg. 25. 25! Just let that sink in for a minute (or second because the heavier it is, the quicker it sinks sobs). After giving birth, I lost 10 kg so..... it really put things into perspective. The remaining 15 kg is just...*uncomfortable silence*

Anyway, one of my bestfriends got married last weekend, alhamdulillah! I met an old friend from high school there (apparently they're cousins) whom excitedly asked me if I were pregnant (grrr). But all in all, it was a beautiful union of two amazing people, and a wonderful reunion of childhood friends. I shed a bit of tears cos come on, that's what wedding does to you (or because of the are you pregnant question. Could be both actually hahaha)

Okay gotta go! Will update more insha Allah. Or maybe I'll just wait for next year mihmihmih.

That comfort zone

Salaam.

So school has started, it's been two weeks already. But it feels longer than that. SO many things happened with me renting a new room, turned out I got lied to, moved out, stayed with my awesome friends while I looked for a new place, registering my courses and having a bit of a problem there, found a new place, checked it out, liked it, bought a mattress and a coffee table at IKEA, moved in, plane went missing, haze showed up and yeah, that's about it.

I love my classes this semester (except for computer programming that is), I don't know, maybe the fact that they aren't science subjects that makes them so appealing haha. I still question myself sometimes if science is the right thing for me since my results aren't that great to begin with. But then again, I've been studying science since... forever (why am I still bad at it?!) that I can't see myself doing anything else. And given that this is going to be my last semester (insha Allah please please pray for me), I guess I shouldn't really doubt that decision anymore.

Anyways, I wonder what's new with everyone? I'm still me, or perhaps I don't notice the changes myself but I've been trying to change or discard of some bad habits that I know of. It takes a lot of effort aahh but insha Allah it's worth it. I mean, I like this place called comfort zone and it's called comfort zone for a very good reason, that sometimes, we don't get out of it in fear that we won't find something better. We'll never find out now huh if we keep holding ourselves back.

Before school started I had quite a depressing week, I was thinking too much and not doing anything to change that. I confided in a friend about what I'm feeling. Most of it was just me feeling like a failure. Like I'm a student but I'm not a brilliant one. I'm a daughter but I'm not doing a very good job at it. And ultimately, I'm a Muslim but I can't be a good one. Lol I know, what a wreck. Alhamdulillah, that was a few weeks ago and I'm feeling better already, it's just one of those feelings that occasionally distract me and leaving me with despair (come on now shaitaan, this isn't funny anymore). Alhamdulillah for good friends, always reminding me of a bigger purpose, of this challenging journey, and of Eternal Home. Alhamdulillah. 

Okay gonna order pizza now, insha Allah. Take care!

Delusional, who?

Salaam.

So starting Monday next week, I'm gonna go back to being a student again insha Allah. My semester break was spent well I think, alhamdulillah. I mostly baked, cooked and looked after my nephew, Nuh (he's gonna be 2 months old in 2 days time insha Allah!). 

So I found this amazing recipe for chocolate cupcakes with cream cheese frosting which is such a win win situation for me because one, it is delicious beyond words, so moist and so chocolatey and two, it doesn't require hard work. It's easy peasy. Trust me. You can whip this up in less than 20 minutes, excluding the baking in the oven process. I made loads of these, everyone seemed to love it and although I'm not a fan of anything cheese, but this cupcake is just subhanAllah, out of this world (the chocolate taste trumps the saltiness and sourness of the cream cheese! yay!).

I made chocolate brownies. Which seemed to be mediocre now after I've tasted the wonderful cupcakes lol.

Also, I found out that I've been interchangeably using icing sugar and caster sugar. I know it's hard to believe that I didn't know the difference between the two but yea, I really didn't. It was such a funny process because I didn't know what went wrong and I started doubting my baking abilities (the only thing I can get right in my life sometimes Allahu akbar) and got a bit depressed, until one day, Faruq did a bit of research and found the truth which after that, led us to many more baking activities haha.

I'm still quite bad at piping but hey look! It does look like those frostings you see in cupcake shops! *sheds tears*

I also made a birthday cake. My cousin's son turned 2 on the 3rd February alhamdulillah and for the birthday party, they requested a cake for me to make. It was the week of Chinese New Year so a lot of shops were still closed or they weren't ready to accept cake orders so my cousin (bless her soul) asked me if I would do the honour. She showed me this picture

and I thought, "Well okay, I think I can manage this." 

Bahahahahaha I'm so funny sometimes. And delusional.

Okay I got the stories in a mixed up order but this was actually how I found the recipe of those cupcakes, I wanted to make that yellow icing and they wanted chocolate cake so I googled exactly that. Okay now let's move on to the depressing part.

Because this was a relatively new recipe and all that, I didn't know how much to make to achieve the correct height of the cake. The baking process took longer than I anticipated and the worst thing is, I had to bake three of the normal sized ones and stack them up, and because it was getting late, I combined 2 cakes in one pan and I thought I could just half the cake later on so it would still look like a three layered cake. 

That's where I went wrong. Although I checked the cake by inserting a stick in the middle of the cake and I saw I could pull it out clean, it turned out that it wasn't thoroughly cooked. I didn't do the 'finger test' and I think that's the important step I skipped. 

So okay, we have this undercooked cake and remember how I didn't know the difference between caster sugar and icing sugar? Yeap, how could anyone forget. So my cream cheese frosting turned out to be too runny. And I didn't know why! I went to bed that night hoping that somehow my cousin would tell me, "Oh someone donated a cake for the party, you can keep your cake okay?" 

But that didn't happen. I got up very early in the morning, dreaded the party the whole morning and hoping no one would kill me at the party, and I continued to ice the cake. So the height turned out okay. Now it's just the icing and the newfound information that morning (while I was layering the cake), that MAYBE the cake was undercooked. All that work and worry, came down to this.

Yeap, I was right. The cake on the bottom was undercooked, the frosting was a bit runny but above all that, the cake was still edible. Alhamdulillah, no one died and no one gave me the evil eye. In fact, everyone was so nice about it, saying only good things about the cake *sobs*. Oh and my cousin (bless her soul) paid me more than the price we both agreed on *sheds more tears*. May Allah increase her rizq, ameen.

And because there wasn't enough excitement, I also accepted my uncle's order of a German chocolate cake. Which he wanted it ready on the same day my cousin needed the big yellow birthday cake. Have I told you that part of me being a bit delusional? Yeah we're all nodding our heads now aren't we, it's a unanimous thing don't you worry.

After all that, Faruq and I with our newfound confidence (after knowing the about the sugar thing) decided to give macarons another try. We failed 3-4 times and I'm not lying when I say that they looked like amoebas. And praise the Lord, we did it! That choice of colour because Faruq was channeling hulk's spirit into the macarons. 

 Tadaaaah! And before everyone starts thinking this is such a happy ever after story, let me be one of those authors who destroy it for you. 

We made another batch of macarons, went a bit ambitious with two colours and doubling the recipe and all that (lol losers) and we failed. Yet again. 

Although amoebas weren't produced this time, our macarons turned out to look like whoopie pies haha what laaaa.

Wanted to post a photo and tell a lie about how we wanted to make whoopie pies and woo hoo we succeeded but that would cause a certain someone on my left shoulder to be busy writing so I decided against it. Alhamdulillah for conscience.

So that's my baking journey and here's hoping to more delicious, joyful and successful (please oh please) bakings, insha Allah!

10 things

Ten things I know and am certain about myself now, alhamdulillah.

1. I'm that girl who cries at weddings and funerals, despite not knowing that person.

2. I love baking, and I love the challenges of making delicious and beautiful desserts. 

3. Writing has always been my passion. I stopped writing many times because I'm embarrassed that I don't write as well as many others but I have to learn not to think that way anymore.

4. I feel inferior almost all the time. I assume everyone's better than me in different ways and I try to disappear before anyone notices.

5. I am trying to change that.

6. I express myself better when I write, compared to when I talk. That's why, I used to love giving cards and writing love letters.

7. My height is and will always be 150 cm. I will start embracing this amazing 3 digits and by that, I hope I aspire you to great heights.

8. Which means being a runway model will never happen.

9. Also, it doesn't really help that 3 of my bestfriends are beautiful tall girls which makes me look like Dobby next to three Hermiones (4th book and above).

10. But it also means that I never have to worry about wearing heels and making sure beforehand that other girls are wearing them as well, in fear that I'd be the Burj Khalifa at the event.

Alhamdulillah.

Journey of learning to love myself, going pretty well insha Allah. 

Being a judge, and my struggle to quit

Salaam.

I don't know about you, but I have this biggest struggle (okay probably one out of many) that many people and I, myself, dislike. I don't like doing it, I don't like getting the same treatment, and I dislike the fact that I sometimes, unintentionally, do it too.

 I'm talking about, being judgemental.

I commend my mind's creativity in making up stories and thinking miles ahead but really, it gets so frustrating to have all these bad thoughts concocting in your brain about other people without having to put any effort, which usually aren't real at all and were only made based on appearance. Only after reaching a conclusion, would I pat myself on the back for that genius assumption, and suddenly it would dawn on me, ya Allah what have I done?

I honestly hate myself for doing it. And the worst thing is, it is usually beyond my control, and I'd only remember to stop myself a few minutes or seconds after I've started on judging that person, which means it has become a habit of mine which really is so horrible. Not to mention, due to this problem I have, I committed a grave mistake just last week, involving my family members and I still feel so bad (probably till forever) no matter how much I apologised. 

Being judgemental isn't awesome at all! And it sure won't impress Allah, definitely :(

So I devised a plan to help with this awful habit of mine and I've applied this method a handful of times, and alhamdulillah, it works quite well. This is how it goes. Let me create a fictional situation to help me explain better.

So I walk into Kinokuniya, I go straight ahead to my favourite section. I pick up a book, analyse the summary and as I am reading, I hear a girl complaining to her boyfriend *ONE : It might be her husband*. I turn to catch a glimpse and I see him frowning, groaning from all the heavy load of shopping bags and her huge handbag in his arms. I think to myself, why can't she at least carry her own handbag? *TWO : He might have insisted, despite her refusals*. She turns around and I can see what she's wearing, she wears the hijab but I can see every single curve on her body *THREE : She maybe has just started learning about hijab, and doesn't know that we're not supposed to show our curves too*. And as I am coming to the fourth judgement, suddenly my conscience steps in. 

"Besides all those things you thought about her, which probably are all lies, she might have succeeded in performing tahajjud prayer every single night while you're asleep. Without fail. Unlike someone I know."

*SLAP SLAP*

The super brilliant chirpy mind seconds ago, suddenly goes silent, humiliated.

K.

As much as I hope it is, this isn't magic so it comes with a lot of practice. Sometimes my conscience goes on a little vacation without telling me and I'll go on and on judging others, making up stories as far as their non-existent grandchildren and only before I sleep, would I remember OMG I just did it again *cries silently* but alhamdulillah, it comes easier. As long as I stop immediately as soon as my conscience reminds me to, it should come to my rescue quicker than before insha Allah. 

If you have other ways to overcome this problem, please do share :)

Okay gotta go study for my test tomorrow. Take care!

True love

Salaam.

As you all might know, I'm still on the path of searching and seeking, learning more about Islam. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't not a Muslim before this, I've always been one alhamdulillah and insha Allah, to the very last of my breath. I didn't hate Islam, no. The problem was, I didn't love it either. It's not that I didn't believe it was the truth, I really did believe that from the start. It's kinda hard to explain, but I think it's like, you know how important going to school is, so you abide and go with it but you don't really enjoy yourself if you don't know the purpose of going to school and the effects it has on your life. So yea, I was that ignorant. Was, insha Allah.

Anyway, 2 years ago, I had quite a row with myself (tears were involved, but no violence I assure you). To be honest, now when I look back, it was exactly a battle of good and evil. I told myself that, I can't be a casual Muslim. By casual I mean, cherry-picking the do's and don't's to tailor my needs, bending the rules once or twice on 'special occasions' and well, you get the picture. I can't do that anymore. I knew that it was wrong and I shouldn't be treating my religion in that manner. So I gave myself an ultimatum; to be a good practising Muslim or just throw it out the window. Extreme, I know. I hope Allah forgives me for even considering the latter.

And here I am, 2 years and possibly 10 litres of tears later, I am now proud to say I'm a Muslim and I know now my purpose in life, alhamdulillah.

I'd love to give you guys a happy ending where I am now a hafidhah, I am entitled to give fatwas and a good Muslim guy sweeps me off my feet, be the man he is and meet my wali, reads his nikah once and we'll be happily married but nah, long way to go and plus, these things shouldn't really be the 'perfect ending' of my life, the 'perfect ending' has to be out of this world, literally.

But for now, I can only say one thing and I know I am very certain about it. 

Definitely not the best lover *sigh*.  I try to make Him compromise with me more than I do, Him and it really shouldn't be that way but on normal days, I'd find myself saying, "Okay, just today, I'll pray a bit late cos I have class and the toilet's smelly, I don't like doing my wudhu' there." Really? Like really?! So silly. 

Despite my everyday struggles and me, constantly falling into sins, I actually do think He loves me. I could be sad about one thing and a few hours (or sometimes as far as months) later, He'd show me why I shouldn't be sad at all.

Just like before dinner tonight, I was driving back to Shah Alam to my university and as my eyes were focused on the road, I was thinking about how old I'd be when I graduate and my friends are either already working by now or just finished their studies. Naturally I feel so inferior and of course it leads to other inferiority complex I've been battling with myself all my life and I became so upset and I immediately felt like I should just give up.

Then before we (Faruq and I) arrived home, we stopped by to have dinner. After we ordered (was really quick because we've only been there like 5874281 times) Faruq told me how his new course mates are a delight and more mature in thinking than the other group. One is 26, after he took a degree in accounting (I think) he chased after his dreams and chose the architecture course. Then another of his friend, quit halfway of her diploma program to join the architecture program and she's 24. All I could think was, alhamdulillah thank you, Allah, I'm sorry I doubted you.

:')

It is amazing to love Him, but to be loved in return is just, subhanAllah, priceless :')

No, I'm not delusional to think that He loves me despite my many flaws and countless sins. It's because He's Al-Ghaffur, Ar-Rahman and Ar-Raheem. That's how I know He loves each and everyone of us.

Please keep me in your du'a and pray that I'll always be on the quest of improving myself (ibadah, akhlak and so on). We'll pray for each other lah kay? ;)

Jazakumullahu khayr and thanks!

Book : Divergent

Salaam.

I am so excited about The Catching Fire movie, although I know it won't be as good as the book, but still, I'm looking forward to seeing Katniss' dress (and the battle scenes of course). 

Psssttt, if you didn't read the book, you should know that Katniss would don on a spectacular dress! Remember the one that breathed fire when she spins and twirls, from the first book/movie?

 Well, this upcoming dress is supposedly so much prettier, still very much 'fiery' but with a little twist. Mockingjay *sigh* ;)

My brother, Faruq, had been telling me how good the books are and pestering me to read them. I was interested, especially after watching the first movie but I don't know why I kept putting it off until one fine day, I picked it up and started reading and couldn't stop at all after that. Haha.

Anyway, after finishing the trilogy, I was hungry for more action-packed books and when I googled for books that are similar to The Hunger Games, I got this.

I think it's also a trilogy and Ms. Roth is still working on the third one (or is it out by now?) but I've only read the first one (the above picture) and I'd say....... it's not that bad, really. I didn't devour it as quick as I did with Hunger Games but the story's still quite interesting, a bit different to say the least and fast-paced which is fine by me.

I actually wanted to write a little something something about the character and the storyline but because I read it a month ago (as soon as I start on another book, my brain drops memories of other books like hot potatoes), I can't write much.

*Racking my brain trying to think of the main character's name*

*and failing miserably*

So. Sad.

Oh but I do remember one thing! Which was what I didn't like about the book; the author killed off an important person (to me and the character too of course). I was so upset because I liked her, she's so mysterious and we're all beginning to learn something interesting about her but then *poof* gone just like that and instead the boyfriend lives pffttttt. 

Honestly, it's a good read, it isn't too heavy but at the same time, not as light as a chic lit. I'm gonna buy the sequel book when I have enough money (if I don't spend too much on good food) and will probably blog about it too insha Allah. Maybe this time around, I can come up with at least the character's name haha.

Thanks for reading and take care :)

*All images were taken from Google

Bismillah

I'll stick to this one insha Allah

:)