Being a judge, and my struggle to quit

Salaam.

I don't know about you, but I have this biggest struggle (okay probably one out of many) that many people and I, myself, dislike. I don't like doing it, I don't like getting the same treatment, and I dislike the fact that I sometimes, unintentionally, do it too.

 I'm talking about, being judgemental.

I commend my mind's creativity in making up stories and thinking miles ahead but really, it gets so frustrating to have all these bad thoughts concocting in your brain about other people without having to put any effort, which usually aren't real at all and were only made based on appearance. Only after reaching a conclusion, would I pat myself on the back for that genius assumption, and suddenly it would dawn on me, ya Allah what have I done?

I honestly hate myself for doing it. And the worst thing is, it is usually beyond my control, and I'd only remember to stop myself a few minutes or seconds after I've started on judging that person, which means it has become a habit of mine which really is so horrible. Not to mention, due to this problem I have, I committed a grave mistake just last week, involving my family members and I still feel so bad (probably till forever) no matter how much I apologised. 

Being judgemental isn't awesome at all! And it sure won't impress Allah, definitely :(

So I devised a plan to help with this awful habit of mine and I've applied this method a handful of times, and alhamdulillah, it works quite well. This is how it goes. Let me create a fictional situation to help me explain better.

So I walk into Kinokuniya, I go straight ahead to my favourite section. I pick up a book, analyse the summary and as I am reading, I hear a girl complaining to her boyfriend *ONE : It might be her husband*. I turn to catch a glimpse and I see him frowning, groaning from all the heavy load of shopping bags and her huge handbag in his arms. I think to myself, why can't she at least carry her own handbag? *TWO : He might have insisted, despite her refusals*. She turns around and I can see what she's wearing, she wears the hijab but I can see every single curve on her body *THREE : She maybe has just started learning about hijab, and doesn't know that we're not supposed to show our curves too*. And as I am coming to the fourth judgement, suddenly my conscience steps in. 

"Besides all those things you thought about her, which probably are all lies, she might have succeeded in performing tahajjud prayer every single night while you're asleep. Without fail. Unlike someone I know."

*SLAP SLAP*

The super brilliant chirpy mind seconds ago, suddenly goes silent, humiliated.

K.

As much as I hope it is, this isn't magic so it comes with a lot of practice. Sometimes my conscience goes on a little vacation without telling me and I'll go on and on judging others, making up stories as far as their non-existent grandchildren and only before I sleep, would I remember OMG I just did it again *cries silently* but alhamdulillah, it comes easier. As long as I stop immediately as soon as my conscience reminds me to, it should come to my rescue quicker than before insha Allah. 

If you have other ways to overcome this problem, please do share :)

Okay gotta go study for my test tomorrow. Take care!

True love

Salaam.

As you all might know, I'm still on the path of searching and seeking, learning more about Islam. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't not a Muslim before this, I've always been one alhamdulillah and insha Allah, to the very last of my breath. I didn't hate Islam, no. The problem was, I didn't love it either. It's not that I didn't believe it was the truth, I really did believe that from the start. It's kinda hard to explain, but I think it's like, you know how important going to school is, so you abide and go with it but you don't really enjoy yourself if you don't know the purpose of going to school and the effects it has on your life. So yea, I was that ignorant. Was, insha Allah.

Anyway, 2 years ago, I had quite a row with myself (tears were involved, but no violence I assure you). To be honest, now when I look back, it was exactly a battle of good and evil. I told myself that, I can't be a casual Muslim. By casual I mean, cherry-picking the do's and don't's to tailor my needs, bending the rules once or twice on 'special occasions' and well, you get the picture. I can't do that anymore. I knew that it was wrong and I shouldn't be treating my religion in that manner. So I gave myself an ultimatum; to be a good practising Muslim or just throw it out the window. Extreme, I know. I hope Allah forgives me for even considering the latter.

And here I am, 2 years and possibly 10 litres of tears later, I am now proud to say I'm a Muslim and I know now my purpose in life, alhamdulillah.

I'd love to give you guys a happy ending where I am now a hafidhah, I am entitled to give fatwas and a good Muslim guy sweeps me off my feet, be the man he is and meet my wali, reads his nikah once and we'll be happily married but nah, long way to go and plus, these things shouldn't really be the 'perfect ending' of my life, the 'perfect ending' has to be out of this world, literally.

But for now, I can only say one thing and I know I am very certain about it. 

Definitely not the best lover *sigh*.  I try to make Him compromise with me more than I do, Him and it really shouldn't be that way but on normal days, I'd find myself saying, "Okay, just today, I'll pray a bit late cos I have class and the toilet's smelly, I don't like doing my wudhu' there." Really? Like really?! So silly. 

Despite my everyday struggles and me, constantly falling into sins, I actually do think He loves me. I could be sad about one thing and a few hours (or sometimes as far as months) later, He'd show me why I shouldn't be sad at all.

Just like before dinner tonight, I was driving back to Shah Alam to my university and as my eyes were focused on the road, I was thinking about how old I'd be when I graduate and my friends are either already working by now or just finished their studies. Naturally I feel so inferior and of course it leads to other inferiority complex I've been battling with myself all my life and I became so upset and I immediately felt like I should just give up.

Then before we (Faruq and I) arrived home, we stopped by to have dinner. After we ordered (was really quick because we've only been there like 5874281 times) Faruq told me how his new course mates are a delight and more mature in thinking than the other group. One is 26, after he took a degree in accounting (I think) he chased after his dreams and chose the architecture course. Then another of his friend, quit halfway of her diploma program to join the architecture program and she's 24. All I could think was, alhamdulillah thank you, Allah, I'm sorry I doubted you.

:')

It is amazing to love Him, but to be loved in return is just, subhanAllah, priceless :')

No, I'm not delusional to think that He loves me despite my many flaws and countless sins. It's because He's Al-Ghaffur, Ar-Rahman and Ar-Raheem. That's how I know He loves each and everyone of us.

Please keep me in your du'a and pray that I'll always be on the quest of improving myself (ibadah, akhlak and so on). We'll pray for each other lah kay? ;)

Jazakumullahu khayr and thanks!

Book : Divergent

Salaam.

I am so excited about The Catching Fire movie, although I know it won't be as good as the book, but still, I'm looking forward to seeing Katniss' dress (and the battle scenes of course). 

Psssttt, if you didn't read the book, you should know that Katniss would don on a spectacular dress! Remember the one that breathed fire when she spins and twirls, from the first book/movie?

 Well, this upcoming dress is supposedly so much prettier, still very much 'fiery' but with a little twist. Mockingjay *sigh* ;)

My brother, Faruq, had been telling me how good the books are and pestering me to read them. I was interested, especially after watching the first movie but I don't know why I kept putting it off until one fine day, I picked it up and started reading and couldn't stop at all after that. Haha.

Anyway, after finishing the trilogy, I was hungry for more action-packed books and when I googled for books that are similar to The Hunger Games, I got this.

I think it's also a trilogy and Ms. Roth is still working on the third one (or is it out by now?) but I've only read the first one (the above picture) and I'd say....... it's not that bad, really. I didn't devour it as quick as I did with Hunger Games but the story's still quite interesting, a bit different to say the least and fast-paced which is fine by me.

I actually wanted to write a little something something about the character and the storyline but because I read it a month ago (as soon as I start on another book, my brain drops memories of other books like hot potatoes), I can't write much.

*Racking my brain trying to think of the main character's name*

*and failing miserably*

So. Sad.

Oh but I do remember one thing! Which was what I didn't like about the book; the author killed off an important person (to me and the character too of course). I was so upset because I liked her, she's so mysterious and we're all beginning to learn something interesting about her but then *poof* gone just like that and instead the boyfriend lives pffttttt. 

Honestly, it's a good read, it isn't too heavy but at the same time, not as light as a chic lit. I'm gonna buy the sequel book when I have enough money (if I don't spend too much on good food) and will probably blog about it too insha Allah. Maybe this time around, I can come up with at least the character's name haha.

Thanks for reading and take care :)

*All images were taken from Google

Bismillah

I'll stick to this one insha Allah

:)