True love

Salaam.

As you all might know, I'm still on the path of searching and seeking, learning more about Islam. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't not a Muslim before this, I've always been one alhamdulillah and insha Allah, to the very last of my breath. I didn't hate Islam, no. The problem was, I didn't love it either. It's not that I didn't believe it was the truth, I really did believe that from the start. It's kinda hard to explain, but I think it's like, you know how important going to school is, so you abide and go with it but you don't really enjoy yourself if you don't know the purpose of going to school and the effects it has on your life. So yea, I was that ignorant. Was, insha Allah.

Anyway, 2 years ago, I had quite a row with myself (tears were involved, but no violence I assure you). To be honest, now when I look back, it was exactly a battle of good and evil. I told myself that, I can't be a casual Muslim. By casual I mean, cherry-picking the do's and don't's to tailor my needs, bending the rules once or twice on 'special occasions' and well, you get the picture. I can't do that anymore. I knew that it was wrong and I shouldn't be treating my religion in that manner. So I gave myself an ultimatum; to be a good practising Muslim or just throw it out the window. Extreme, I know. I hope Allah forgives me for even considering the latter.

And here I am, 2 years and possibly 10 litres of tears later, I am now proud to say I'm a Muslim and I know now my purpose in life, alhamdulillah.

I'd love to give you guys a happy ending where I am now a hafidhah, I am entitled to give fatwas and a good Muslim guy sweeps me off my feet, be the man he is and meet my wali, reads his nikah once and we'll be happily married but nah, long way to go and plus, these things shouldn't really be the 'perfect ending' of my life, the 'perfect ending' has to be out of this world, literally.

But for now, I can only say one thing and I know I am very certain about it. 

Definitely not the best lover *sigh*.  I try to make Him compromise with me more than I do, Him and it really shouldn't be that way but on normal days, I'd find myself saying, "Okay, just today, I'll pray a bit late cos I have class and the toilet's smelly, I don't like doing my wudhu' there." Really? Like really?! So silly. 

Despite my everyday struggles and me, constantly falling into sins, I actually do think He loves me. I could be sad about one thing and a few hours (or sometimes as far as months) later, He'd show me why I shouldn't be sad at all.

Just like before dinner tonight, I was driving back to Shah Alam to my university and as my eyes were focused on the road, I was thinking about how old I'd be when I graduate and my friends are either already working by now or just finished their studies. Naturally I feel so inferior and of course it leads to other inferiority complex I've been battling with myself all my life and I became so upset and I immediately felt like I should just give up.

Then before we (Faruq and I) arrived home, we stopped by to have dinner. After we ordered (was really quick because we've only been there like 5874281 times) Faruq told me how his new course mates are a delight and more mature in thinking than the other group. One is 26, after he took a degree in accounting (I think) he chased after his dreams and chose the architecture course. Then another of his friend, quit halfway of her diploma program to join the architecture program and she's 24. All I could think was, alhamdulillah thank you, Allah, I'm sorry I doubted you.

:')

It is amazing to love Him, but to be loved in return is just, subhanAllah, priceless :')

No, I'm not delusional to think that He loves me despite my many flaws and countless sins. It's because He's Al-Ghaffur, Ar-Rahman and Ar-Raheem. That's how I know He loves each and everyone of us.

Please keep me in your du'a and pray that I'll always be on the quest of improving myself (ibadah, akhlak and so on). We'll pray for each other lah kay? ;)

Jazakumullahu khayr and thanks!